New Wave: You wear tight clothes and converse. Except when you’re spending a night on the couch watching The Lost Boys, Blade Runner and The Breakfast Club back to back. You spend a lot of money at the salon, and on spiky offbeat designer shoulder bags. You drink vodka tonics and still own a Swatch.
Y’all, I wanted to reach out a different way—but I guess this is how I’ll do it. My name is Jacky, I’m 16 and am an aspiring critic. I LOVE NEW BANDS FOR OLD HEADS. Y’all are SO inspiring to someone who’s just starting out. When I read stuff in Pitchfork and RS, people are afraid to be bold. That’s not y’all. Y’all say what you want and you’re truthful about it—and I love that. Anyway, love this piece and if anyone is looking at the comments and wants to click on my profile, go read a new head’s work. Okay, sorry for the ramble, just wanted to say how much I admire y’all :)
new bands for old heads is just little old me :) this post is all satire. i don't really consider myself a music critic (anymore) but you can read about my thoughts on that topic here if you're curious: https://www.newbandsforoldheads.com/p/album-scores-are-meaningless
there are tons of critics on substack though who give totally unfiltered (and not satirical!) opinions, including negative ones. i don't really do negative opinions on my normal posts!
THANK YOU FOR THE WELCOME!! Dude, I don’t even care if it’s satire because this is SO GOOD!!!! Nice to know that there’s other critics on here and I’m not just screaming into the void. Do you have any recommendations of anyone I can go read?
White people folk sure, but did you know every culture has their own version? That’s where the name came from 😄 (I do need therapy tho you got me there)
if glam rock is your favorite genre, you make being WEIRD AND KOOKY your entire personality. oh my god isn't it crazy how you just decided to wear chucks with your prom dress?!! to happy hour???? CRAZY. you memorized every callback for rocky horror and now your living room is covered in rice. you are probably a musical theater nerd and your friends find you insufferable.
Ok, you processed tomato goop brain who thinks containing trace lycopene will make people like you, what do you have to say to people who like free jazz/avant garde creative music? Huh? Huh?
You are wasted as a condiment. Your best use cases since the moment of your invention have been fake blood in B movies and community theater productions of McBeth.
Ooooh, I like disco. Do disco next.
Man you really get me
now do soul
this was fun! to everyone who was scared by this please instead check out mustard @ https://justsomemustard.com/
New Wave: You wear tight clothes and converse. Except when you’re spending a night on the couch watching The Lost Boys, Blade Runner and The Breakfast Club back to back. You spend a lot of money at the salon, and on spiky offbeat designer shoulder bags. You drink vodka tonics and still own a Swatch.
i feel this applies to at least 3 other categories as well
.... sitting here finishing my iced matcha that the barista almost took away because I hadn't finished it
🤣
I need this about psychedelic rock and/or progressive rock although I’m sure loving prog just means I’m a dad deep down 👽
Hahah precious and not at all presumptuous 🌝
alas ketchup has died and all of his amazing comments on this post have died with him
Y’all, I wanted to reach out a different way—but I guess this is how I’ll do it. My name is Jacky, I’m 16 and am an aspiring critic. I LOVE NEW BANDS FOR OLD HEADS. Y’all are SO inspiring to someone who’s just starting out. When I read stuff in Pitchfork and RS, people are afraid to be bold. That’s not y’all. Y’all say what you want and you’re truthful about it—and I love that. Anyway, love this piece and if anyone is looking at the comments and wants to click on my profile, go read a new head’s work. Okay, sorry for the ramble, just wanted to say how much I admire y’all :)
haha hi jacky -welcome to the community.
new bands for old heads is just little old me :) this post is all satire. i don't really consider myself a music critic (anymore) but you can read about my thoughts on that topic here if you're curious: https://www.newbandsforoldheads.com/p/album-scores-are-meaningless
there are tons of critics on substack though who give totally unfiltered (and not satirical!) opinions, including negative ones. i don't really do negative opinions on my normal posts!
THANK YOU FOR THE WELCOME!! Dude, I don’t even care if it’s satire because this is SO GOOD!!!! Nice to know that there’s other critics on here and I’m not just screaming into the void. Do you have any recommendations of anyone I can go read?
hell yeah check out the recommendations on my page, and then head to https://musicdirectory.substack.com/
Power pop: Have you tried talking to her instead of just writing albums about her?
bahahahaha they absolutely have not
I’ve been listening to some Emo lately, and I definitely need a roasting for that!
are u okay? that was my roast.
I’m ok. I use the 😭 emoji strictly for melodramatic purposes.
It’s a very emo emoji lol!
😂😭😂😭
Leaving Hip Hop out completely?
i wrote a thing on trip hop but it was just nothing because trip hop is nothing.
KETCHUP NO
Fair enough!
They also left out folk!
White people folk sure, but did you know every culture has their own version? That’s where the name came from 😄 (I do need therapy tho you got me there)
Not at all!! Most forms of American folk music were invented by African Americans.
don't tell ketchup this he will self combust
oop too late!
You can't pin me down to one favorite genre...I contain multitudes, bitches!
buuuuuurn
Mine is post hardcore. Plz Roast me
I am offended... Nice
I’ve never commented on substack yet. What about symphonic metal? Also deadly curious about glam rock
if glam rock is your favorite genre, you make being WEIRD AND KOOKY your entire personality. oh my god isn't it crazy how you just decided to wear chucks with your prom dress?!! to happy hour???? CRAZY. you memorized every callback for rocky horror and now your living room is covered in rice. you are probably a musical theater nerd and your friends find you insufferable.
(I hate musicals but I do love glam rock so this may or may not have been a self roast, who's to say)
Dear sub-par condiment,
Do Britpop. And while you do, remember that brown sauce owns you, old boy.
Cheers!
And with that, you totally redeemed yourself from being shit in a sausage sandwich.
Ok, you processed tomato goop brain who thinks containing trace lycopene will make people like you, what do you have to say to people who like free jazz/avant garde creative music? Huh? Huh?
🤣🤣🤣
Yeah, well, that’s just like, your opinion man.
You are wasted as a condiment. Your best use cases since the moment of your invention have been fake blood in B movies and community theater productions of McBeth.
🤣🤣🤣 I had to put my phone down and compose myself to avoid doing a spit take with my morning coffee lol
Coffee without caffeine is like a relationship without sex (No decaf exists in my house lol)