New Wave: You wear tight clothes and converse. Except when you’re spending a night on the couch watching The Lost Boys, Blade Runner and The Breakfast Club back to back. You spend a lot of money at the salon, and on spiky offbeat designer shoulder bags. You drink vodka tonics and still own a Swatch.
PEOPLE WHO LISTEN TO NEW WAVE MUSIC BLEACH THEIR ASSHOLE AND SPEND 14 DOLLARS ON A ICED MATCHA AND DON'T EVEN FINISH THE DAMN THING BECAUSE ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS POSTING IT ON INSTAGRAM FOR THEIR SUPERFICIAL FRIENDS TO SEE.
YOUR LOVE OF PSYCHEDELIC ROCK HAS BEEN FUELED AND INFLUENCED BY YOUR ADMIRATION OF USING PHARMACEUTICAL DRUGS IMPROPERLY. NOTHING YOU SAY IS DEEP OR MEANINGFUL EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE CONVINCED IT IS. THROW AWAY YOUR MARIJUANA AND GET A REAL JOB HIPPIE.
Y’all, I wanted to reach out a different way—but I guess this is how I’ll do it. My name is Jacky, I’m 16 and am an aspiring critic. I LOVE NEW BANDS FOR OLD HEADS. Y’all are SO inspiring to someone who’s just starting out. When I read stuff in Pitchfork and RS, people are afraid to be bold. That’s not y’all. Y’all say what you want and you’re truthful about it—and I love that. Anyway, love this piece and if anyone is looking at the comments and wants to click on my profile, go read a new head’s work. Okay, sorry for the ramble, just wanted to say how much I admire y’all :)
new bands for old heads is just little old me :) this post is all satire. i don't really consider myself a music critic (anymore) but you can read about my thoughts on that topic here if you're curious: https://www.newbandsforoldheads.com/p/album-scores-are-meaningless
there are tons of critics on substack though who give totally unfiltered (and not satirical!) opinions, including negative ones. i don't really do negative opinions on my normal posts!
THANK YOU FOR THE WELCOME!! Dude, I don’t even care if it’s satire because this is SO GOOD!!!! Nice to know that there’s other critics on here and I’m not just screaming into the void. Do you have any recommendations of anyone I can go read?
FOLK MUSIC IS JUST WHITE PEOPLE FEELING SORRY FOR THEMSELVES INSTEAD OF BOOKING A GODDAMN THERAPY APPOINTMENT OR BUYING A JOURNAL TO DETAIL ALL THEIR WOES.
White people folk sure, but did you know every culture has their own version? That’s where the name came from 😄 (I do need therapy tho you got me there)
RANDOM GODDAMN SOUNDS GET YOU THE HELL OFF. YOU COULD HEAR A PIGEON TAKING A CRAP FROM A MILE AWAY AND FIGURE OUT A WAY TO CLASSIFY IT AS MUSIC. JUST LET SOUNDS BE SOUNDS. THERE IS NO DEEPER MEANING TO A CAR HONKING ITS HORN OR A WAVE CRASHING UPON THE SHORE LIKE MY DIVORCE PAPERS.
HOW ABOUT YOU DO SOMETHING BETTER WITH YOUR TIME AND GET FIELD RECORDINGS OF ANY OF MY EX WIVES FAKE MOANING WITH THEIR NEW BOYFRIENDS GOLF CADDIES.
Checks time of last post… 4 hours ago. Is it safe to come out yet? Just over here breathing a sigh of relief that Ketchup didn’t go after either of my favorite genres, Shoegaze or Cool Jazz. (Quickly ducks behind sofa)
SHOEGAZE AS A GENRE MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE. THAT IS WHY I DIDN'T BRING IT UP. YOU ARE ROASTING YOURSELF BY ENJOYING MUSIC THAT HAS BEEN DESCRIBED AS A WALL OF SOUND. IF YOU ENJOY SOUND SO GODDAMN MUCH HOW ABOUT YOU GO FIND YOUR MOTHER IN LAW AND RECORD A PODCAST WITH HER. YOU ARE TORTURING YOURSELF ALREADY AS IT IS. HER OPINION'S ON KOHL CASH IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS SHOEGAZE CRAP YOU VOLUNTARILY LISTEN TOO.
YOU'RE A FREAKING DWEEB WHO CAN'T ACCEPT HARDCORE FOR WHAT IT ALREADY IS. YOUR NEED FOR A GODDAMN MELODY CAN BE FILLED BY PLAYING HELLO KITTY ISLAND ADVENTURE. IF YOU WANT TO PRACTICE A GODDAMN SING-ALONG IN THE PIT MAY AS WELL JOIN YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CHOIR. THERE IS A REASON YOU GOT HELD BACK FOUR TIMES.
BECAUSE IT IS NOT EVEN A REAL GODDAMN GENRE MICHAEL THOMPSON. PROGRESSIVE ROCK HAS RUINED THE REPUTATION OF ROCK WITH ALL ITS FLASH AND LACK OF SUBSTANCE.
Electronic music ranges from bro step and 2010s house-rave-pop like Tiesto and Swedish House Mafia to cold wave, experimental, industrial and minimal synth like Woo, De Fabriek, Mort Garson, and pyrolater. Not fair to group them together IMO!
DON'T TRY TO SILENCE BILLY BEARHAM'S TRUTH PAIGE. WHAT THE GODDAMN HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. JUST BECAUSE YOU ENJOY MUSIC THAT GOES BUM DA BUM BUM BUM 80,000 TIMES IN A GODDAMN SECOND DOES NOT MAKE YOU OR YOUR THOUGHTS DEEP.
New Wave: You wear tight clothes and converse. Except when you’re spending a night on the couch watching The Lost Boys, Blade Runner and The Breakfast Club back to back. You spend a lot of money at the salon, and on spiky offbeat designer shoulder bags. You drink vodka tonics and still own a Swatch.
i feel this applies to at least 3 other categories as well
PEOPLE WHO LISTEN TO NEW WAVE MUSIC BLEACH THEIR ASSHOLE AND SPEND 14 DOLLARS ON A ICED MATCHA AND DON'T EVEN FINISH THE DAMN THING BECAUSE ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS POSTING IT ON INSTAGRAM FOR THEIR SUPERFICIAL FRIENDS TO SEE.
.... sitting here finishing my iced matcha that the barista almost took away because I hadn't finished it
🤣
I need this about psychedelic rock and/or progressive rock although I’m sure loving prog just means I’m a dad deep down 👽
YOUR LOVE OF PSYCHEDELIC ROCK HAS BEEN FUELED AND INFLUENCED BY YOUR ADMIRATION OF USING PHARMACEUTICAL DRUGS IMPROPERLY. NOTHING YOU SAY IS DEEP OR MEANINGFUL EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE CONVINCED IT IS. THROW AWAY YOUR MARIJUANA AND GET A REAL JOB HIPPIE.
Hahah precious and not at all presumptuous 🌝
Y’all, I wanted to reach out a different way—but I guess this is how I’ll do it. My name is Jacky, I’m 16 and am an aspiring critic. I LOVE NEW BANDS FOR OLD HEADS. Y’all are SO inspiring to someone who’s just starting out. When I read stuff in Pitchfork and RS, people are afraid to be bold. That’s not y’all. Y’all say what you want and you’re truthful about it—and I love that. Anyway, love this piece and if anyone is looking at the comments and wants to click on my profile, go read a new head’s work. Okay, sorry for the ramble, just wanted to say how much I admire y’all :)
haha hi jacky -welcome to the community.
new bands for old heads is just little old me :) this post is all satire. i don't really consider myself a music critic (anymore) but you can read about my thoughts on that topic here if you're curious: https://www.newbandsforoldheads.com/p/album-scores-are-meaningless
there are tons of critics on substack though who give totally unfiltered (and not satirical!) opinions, including negative ones. i don't really do negative opinions on my normal posts!
THANK YOU FOR THE WELCOME!! Dude, I don’t even care if it’s satire because this is SO GOOD!!!! Nice to know that there’s other critics on here and I’m not just screaming into the void. Do you have any recommendations of anyone I can go read?
hell yeah check out the recommendations on my page, and then head to https://musicdirectory.substack.com/
They also left out folk!
FOLK MUSIC IS JUST WHITE PEOPLE FEELING SORRY FOR THEMSELVES INSTEAD OF BOOKING A GODDAMN THERAPY APPOINTMENT OR BUYING A JOURNAL TO DETAIL ALL THEIR WOES.
White people folk sure, but did you know every culture has their own version? That’s where the name came from 😄 (I do need therapy tho you got me there)
WAIT A GODDAMN SECOND WHITE PEOPLE DID NOT INVENT FOLK MUSIC?
Not at all!! Most forms of American folk music were invented by African Americans.
don't tell ketchup this he will self combust
Please god roast us ambient-loving folks, Mister Ketchup!!
RANDOM GODDAMN SOUNDS GET YOU THE HELL OFF. YOU COULD HEAR A PIGEON TAKING A CRAP FROM A MILE AWAY AND FIGURE OUT A WAY TO CLASSIFY IT AS MUSIC. JUST LET SOUNDS BE SOUNDS. THERE IS NO DEEPER MEANING TO A CAR HONKING ITS HORN OR A WAVE CRASHING UPON THE SHORE LIKE MY DIVORCE PAPERS.
HOW ABOUT YOU DO SOMETHING BETTER WITH YOUR TIME AND GET FIELD RECORDINGS OF ANY OF MY EX WIVES FAKE MOANING WITH THEIR NEW BOYFRIENDS GOLF CADDIES.
You can't pin me down to one favorite genre...I contain multitudes, bitches!
YOUR SUPPOSED MULTITUDES DOES NOT MAKE UP FOR YOUR ONE DIMENSIONAL PERSONALITY LIZ
buuuuuurn
Checks time of last post… 4 hours ago. Is it safe to come out yet? Just over here breathing a sigh of relief that Ketchup didn’t go after either of my favorite genres, Shoegaze or Cool Jazz. (Quickly ducks behind sofa)
SHOEGAZE AS A GENRE MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE. THAT IS WHY I DIDN'T BRING IT UP. YOU ARE ROASTING YOURSELF BY ENJOYING MUSIC THAT HAS BEEN DESCRIBED AS A WALL OF SOUND. IF YOU ENJOY SOUND SO GODDAMN MUCH HOW ABOUT YOU GO FIND YOUR MOTHER IN LAW AND RECORD A PODCAST WITH HER. YOU ARE TORTURING YOURSELF ALREADY AS IT IS. HER OPINION'S ON KOHL CASH IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS SHOEGAZE CRAP YOU VOLUNTARILY LISTEN TOO.
Mine is post hardcore. Plz Roast me
YOU'RE A FREAKING DWEEB WHO CAN'T ACCEPT HARDCORE FOR WHAT IT ALREADY IS. YOUR NEED FOR A GODDAMN MELODY CAN BE FILLED BY PLAYING HELLO KITTY ISLAND ADVENTURE. IF YOU WANT TO PRACTICE A GODDAMN SING-ALONG IN THE PIT MAY AS WELL JOIN YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CHOIR. THERE IS A REASON YOU GOT HELD BACK FOUR TIMES.
I am offended... Nice
I’m so glad I’m not American … 😊😅
THAT MAKES TWO OF US GODDAMMIT
😊😊😊
real punk, old wave, and Mindless Self Indulgence
YOU JUST LISTED THREE GODDAMN THINGS CAREY.
THANKS FOR LETTING US KNOW YOU ARE A FREAKING AI ROBOT
You forgot Prog
BECAUSE IT IS NOT EVEN A REAL GODDAMN GENRE MICHAEL THOMPSON. PROGRESSIVE ROCK HAS RUINED THE REPUTATION OF ROCK WITH ALL ITS FLASH AND LACK OF SUBSTANCE.
It’s the only genre left WITH substance
an actual gen Xer needs to do prog
Electronic music ranges from bro step and 2010s house-rave-pop like Tiesto and Swedish House Mafia to cold wave, experimental, industrial and minimal synth like Woo, De Fabriek, Mort Garson, and pyrolater. Not fair to group them together IMO!
this is what we like to call a little satirical roasty roast
DON'T TRY TO SILENCE BILLY BEARHAM'S TRUTH PAIGE. WHAT THE GODDAMN HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. JUST BECAUSE YOU ENJOY MUSIC THAT GOES BUM DA BUM BUM BUM 80,000 TIMES IN A GODDAMN SECOND DOES NOT MAKE YOU OR YOUR THOUGHTS DEEP.
KETCHUP SETTLE YOUR MEATS